Octopus is from Planet Kirsan

I think by now we have all heard of Paul the Octopus. He's that tentacled psychic who scored a 100% success rate in predicting match winners in the just completed World Cup. So remarkable is the creature that now there's actually a little dispute over his origin. The Italians are saying that he's actually Paulo!

I have another theory. I reckon Paul comes from the stables of none other than Kirsan Ilyumzhinov. In a recent interview the FIDE boss says:

Everything in our lives is predestined: the position of the planets and stars influences certain events in the life of mankind. I was drawn to it all when I was still a student. They held the first Soviet Sorcerers’ Conference in Tajikistan. I sponsored a great number of so-called laboratories for studying astrology. They made predictions for football teams and very well-known politicians, both here and abroad. There’s a solid database of political parties, governments, presidents, major businessmen. All of that doesn’t rule out the existence of crooks and charlatans. After all people like Baba Vanga are one-of-a-kind.

I also have a certificate: they named planet number 55-70 after me. It’s between Jupiter and Mars… 310 million kilometres from the Earth. So that if anything happens, I tell everyone, I’ll have somewhere to run.

Read more in Ilyumzhinov: Chuck Norris owes me a bottle of whisky.